Slow Times

Not much has happened this week... After having a nice weekend I guess having a week to unwind is nice. Plus there might be another party this Friday. Well I haven't really gotten into much this week. I met up with my advisor... and he reminded me that I have to apply to Kelley soon so I did that this week too. He also helped me plan for my classes next year. At dinner Ant brought up the point that I've pretty much been in school non-stop since last June. Isn't that crazy? I mean I've had a week or two breaks here and there but damn nothing more than that... It'll be nice to have my summer. Then when I come back next year I'll be coming to an apartment instead of a dorm room, HELL YEAH!

Other than that I haven't really done much this week... I bought a few things. Some nice new CDs made my week a little brighter. All I have to say about the new Dead Prez CD "Revolutionary but Gangsta" is - DAMN. This might be the best CD I've heard so far this year... either this CD or the Kanye one. I got another CD too - the new Lil' Flip CD "U Gotta Me," a double CD thats pretty nice. Its southern rap but good southern rap. Speaking of southern rap, I just checked out the T.I. record... I was pretty surprised how good it is. I got the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre move too - uh, that movie really let me down. People made it out to be a lot better than it was.. maybe I've just been spoiled by the bad assedness that is Dawn of the Dead. Well thats about all I have so far this week. This weekend should be a good one... maybe another party and Stubbs' birthday. Check back to know whats up.

Hell yeah! That's the best way to describe this past weekend. I had fun with everyone and just cut loose a little. I'll run down exactly what happened, but I'm sure everyone else will write about it in their blogs too. But here goes:

Friday
I mostly hung out with the guys in the room. We watched a little basketball, they drank some rum - I wasn't feeling it so much so I just sat out. But we walked over to the VP to get some cigars. Stubbs ended up buying some for everyone and we sat outside and smoked 'em. Later that night I wanted to pick up some Black & Milds so Stubbs and I walked over to a different VP to pick some up. Damn they smell nice... but we just walked back home and hung out a little longer with ant and gowdy. They went home, I got online... after a while I called it a night.

Saturday
I can't really remember what I did during the day because it was so damn boring. Oh wait heres what I did: I walked down to kirkwood with stubbs looking for some new clothes. I failed at that but I got some eye candy out of walking down there... haha. But at night we hooked up with one of gowdy's friends, marla. She took us over to a friend's house and after that we just had fun. Sat around and played some drinking games. I got introduced to a few things that night: Heineken, Keystone Light, and beer pong! It was good times. I meet quite a bit of new people and I even have a party to go to next weekend! But I got some stuff off my chest that night, some won't understand and thats fine - I don't always do things that make sense but I just gotta be true to myself above all else. I also went crazy when Chris put on the Jurassic 5 CD at his house! I was all about rapping to every song haha... But then I wanted to come home and no one else did so what'd I do? I walked home! Since I don't drive around a lot down here its nice to be able to just walk and think, sort things out in my head. But before coming home I had to stop at the VP to pick up something to drink. While I was there I ran into this crazy woman who was a little too friendly... crazy Bloomington nights I suppose.

So that was basically my weekend. Today I just sat around with stubbs and ant. As ant puts it we were "recovering." I don't think I have too much to do this week so I'll probably be updating a lot more often. Stay good...

New Title, Sign the Damn Guestbook

I haven't updated in a while. Its mostly due to little shit here and there, college has a way of doing that. I was a little sick during the week and I had a team speech that I had to get together. Other than that though, its been a relatively average week. Nothing extraordinary, but nothing bad either. Maybe the rest of the year will be a little more exciting? I don't know, I just don't like when shits boring. Lifes got its ups and downs, but at least things are kept interesting with shit... but right now its like nothing. Its too... ehh and I'm getting restless as hell. I don't really know what it is but damn I just want to go out and do something, anything...

Today Wayne gave me a call while hanging out with the guys down here, just sitting on the steps smoking some cigars Stubbs picked up. Gowdy mentioned something about it being nice that Wayne calls me often. Yeah, hes right, it is nice that Wayne calls me often. Hell, Wayne calls more than anyone else and thats why hes my boy. He just keeps up with shit and lets me know whats going down. I don't get mind if I don't hear from people every once and a while, I know life is hectic and people have to deal with so much shit, but when people make an effort to not only let me know whats up with them but also ask about my life - now that speaks volumes. I'm not saying "call me! call me!" I'm just saying, its nice to hear from people every now and then. Another thing is when I'm around, wanting to hang out. I know it doesn't take much to pick up a phone and call someone to hang out but for those who do, I appreciate it. Some don't have to call me because they know I'll be around but its still nice to hear from you. I know I'm not good at calling people either, I just hate feeling like I'm bothering someone and I know if we're friends that I'm not bothering you but I don't really reach out too often. Speaking of reaching out, theres some shit I have to get off my chest. Some know what I'm talking about, others don't but if you don't know don't worry, I don't like talking about certain things because I'm just use to dealing with things on my own. Don't think it has anything to do with you either, its nothing bad - I just don't like keeping shit bottled in. Maybe I'll take care of it soon... I mean I better take care of it soon.

So I'm listening to this song "24 Hours to Live" and I'm thinking... "what would I do if I only had 24 hours to live?" Well I don't know what I would do. I'd probably give everyone I know a call and let them know they made everyday worth going through, whether good or bad. I'd probably chill at home with my parents and invite everyone to come on over. Its weird to think about your death though isn't? I mean what would you do if you only had 24 left? Don't think I'm suicidal or anything, I'm just talking about in general... But if you know my music then you know it was a rap song. Today while driving around listening to Dead Prez's new bad ass CD "Revolutionary But Gangsta" Anthony made a comment about how listening to some rap makes him feel stressed out(if I'm wrong ant, correct me). Well I don't know, I've never felt stressed out by listening to it. I mean living like you feel oppressed, seeing your peers have to resort to certain shit to make money or overly depend on substances, now thats stressful and raps just music that lets you know you aren't alone in the struggle. I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm struggling to survive, because I'm not. I've been blessed and I'm at college for damn near nothing, but the majority of people I know aren't and they deserve this as much as I do. So listening to rap isn't stressful to me I guess... its just music, yeah its rooted in real life but its just music. While I'm talking about music I heard a new song by LL Cool J today "The Truth" - he just talks about growing up around drug dealers who would encourage him to rap and would try to help the community but wouldn't condone their selling. I thought it was tight and if you wanna hear it just IM me and I'll send it to you...

Song of the Day: "Dogs for Life" by DMX
"Now who I am is who I'll be until I die
either accept it or don't fuck with it
but if we gon' be dogs then you stuck with it!
Let me go my way but walk with me
see what I see, watch me then, talk with me
Share my pain, make it a little easier to deal with it
cause despite all the fame YOU I'm a keep it real with it (true)!
Rob and steal withcha' dog nigga what
ride till we die, on till it's up.
Love is love and I enjoy the love,
but when it's conflict then it destroys the love.
You can't toy with love, niggas take to the heart
you ain't gon' find too many niggas willing to, bark in the dark
(come on!) Keep your head from the start, don't fuck it up now,
later on they be hit like, fuck it how??
You my dog and I die for you, keep it like that,
give me unconditional love, and I give it right back."

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Looking for You

So I'm back in Bloomington and I made it through my first day of classes... It was a pretty short day, I decided to sleep in and skip my first class. I got up in time to get some fine dining done at Wright, uhh... and I did go to Finite. I'll be glad when this semester is over with. I don't really know what I'll be returning home to but I know I'll be having fun with it whatever it is. But I'm here for now, not there. Things haven't really changed much down here, its colder than I want it to be but there are still thousands of attractive girls to look at while walking to class in the cold weather.

Speaking of girls, my brother always asks me if I've hooked up with any girls down here. I always tell him "no" but he talks to me like I'm a dumb ass for not getting shit while being down here. I don't really know why I haven't... actually yeah I do. But I wish I could live with Wayne's philosophy. It goes something like, I'm looking for the one but until I find her I'm gonna be fucking around and when I find the one I'll stop and be devoted to her. I can't be like that though, thats not me. I'm picky as hell when it comes to girls. I'm not saying they all have to be dimes, because they don't. They have to be someone I can just kick it with and have fun. Not really do a damn thing with but still have hella fun... I haven't said hella in a while... but thats why I don't really just try to hook up with girls...

While at home I got a few new things, the most important thing being one of my dad's old belts. Its a gaudy belt with a huge belt buckle that has two roosters fighting. Its a little different but I think its cool as hell. Some, like gowdy, thinks its ridiculous. He told me to write about why it doesn't suck and all I have to say is girls look at my cock, whether a belt buckle or not, on a daily basis... can you say that same? Yeah thats right.

Sign the guestbook before you go!

Song of the Day: "Distant Lover" by Marvin Gaye - too bad I don't even have a lover haha....

Its been a while since I updated. I'd like to say I've been busy doing this, this, and that but I haven't been. I've mostly been hanging out, driving around for spring break. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoy it and I can't think of much else I would rather be doing. I'll run through what I've been doing just to fill you in.

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Friday
I got home and sat around... After a while I went over to Erin's to hang out with everyone. It was cool being there and joking around with everyone. I know its only been a week since I had been there but its always nice to come back no matter how much time its been. I also took a trip out to Barnes and Nobles to see L. That went alright at the time, I acted a little shook but what else can be expected? I came home and turned in.

Saturday
I got up early I think... I took my dad and his friend to the mall, went to Target with my nephew and bought him some cards. I talked to my bro while I was there too. I tend to go visit my brother at work while I'm home, I'm not really too sure why. But after I came home I got a call from L and we hung out for most of the afternoon. We just drove around and talked. Saw each other's old neighborhoods, reminisced about the past, ya know? Well on my way home from that I was calling people up eager to find something to do when I got a call from Amber. So we hung out, went to the play, and ended up back at her place making puppy chow... I came home and ended up watching Toy Story 2 with my bro while telling him about the whole L situation at the time.

Sunday
Sat around the house for most of the morning. I read some comic books, something I haven't done in a long long time. Met up with Wayne and his cousin Matt. We tried to find some new speakers for his car but failed, ended up walking around Concord mall and hitting up MCL for some fried chicken and what I thought was a brownie but turned out to be carrot cake. Went bowling with some people. Drove around and ended up at home watching Chappelle Show DVD with Stubbs and Wayne.

Monday
I actually got up and worked out. Kinda crazy huh? Went through my day not really doing much. Went bowling again with wayne... I think I might join a league with him. I hit up the mall with amber hoping to find some clothes but I failed miserably. But she ended up getting shoes so it worked out in the end. Ended up back in her kitchen making more puppy chow. I finally saw "My Best Friend's Wedding" - I'm not too sure what to think about that movie.... but it was entertaining, which is all that matters right?

Tuesday
Once again I sat around the house. Except this time I got up at 5:30 AM, I was feeling a little sick. So I talked to my mom before she left for work then I went out to Wal Mart to buy some much needed medicine. After that I just drove around for a bit before I had to run some errands for my dad. Couldn't really think of much to do... so I slept most of the day then played video games and drove around. Ended up back here with stubbs, amber, and erin.... and a handle of Pirate Piss. It was a nice night full of talking... they got to hear my brother make some jokes. But we ended up calling it a night around 4 AM. Thank god for our DD, the drunk - I mean designated driver. I wasn't too tired but I had to be up early the next day....

Wednesday
Got up early to take my dad to the dentist and CVS. He bought this "As Seen on TV" hair trimmer that I recommended to stubbs... Came home and slept for a good while then got up to play some video games! But I did drive out to All Star to pick up some comics, so my day wasn't wasted in front of a TV. Got a call from stubbs later that day to hit up a friend's house then the mall. Stubbs was trying to find some khakis, instead I bought some for $10 at Banana Republic.. But while I was getting some chocolate covered coffee beans I got another call, this time from Amber. We all ended up back at my house to watch some new episodes of South Park and Chappelle Show. Remember, don't bring your kids! But after Dave we had a mini marathon of season one again...

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So basically I didn't do much over the past few days but I wouldn't have it any other way. I like just sitting around and hanging out. Spring break is almost over now and I really don't wanna go back to school... but I'll get some good hang out time with people before I go back, that'll have to help get me through things.

Tipsy

Last night was fun. I wrote a litle something while at gowdy's, here what I wrote:'

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Felipe writes: A Little Drunk But Not By Myself

This is for my people! hell yeah its batman ghettofied but no it is not the original batman, it is his mexican companion Go-Go-Gomez! Also known as Felipe! So whats up and whats up kids? I've never had a drunk blog and although I'm not drunk at the time, I think its a good time to write a little something. So tonight I spent the night with Stubbs aka my room mate aka an awesome guy! But other than him I was talking to L. My one and only that isn't mine. Sounds funny eh? But its alright, I was just sending my love through the celliemaphone. Its okay, what happens happens. All I know is that I was the truest I could about everything. So now I'm faced with a dilemma, not the Nelly kind either! Hiyo! Anyone get that joke? No..no you say huh? Eh its okay, the joke sucked anyway. But heres my dilemma: I don't know what to do. Isn't that the classic dilemma though? I wonder what to do about the ladies but when I say ladies I mean very few. There are only 2... eh maybe 3 ladies I would ever really think about being with. Seriously. I'll be honest though, I have no problem "fooling around" with no emotions attached. I'm an asshole like that, yes, but after going through the 9 levels of hell I feel like I can do just about anything. Except forget the special ladies. I won't list these special ladies' names though. Few of them even know how I feel. And I only think about being with them because they're all awesome, no offense to any of them but there is one main one.. And not to knock any of them, its just some things have to go unsaid you know? If they can't tell that I care as much as I do because of how I feel then what can I say? Actually thats the thing, I won't ever tell them I care about then like that because I like to speak through my hands and through my actions. With that said I must send a message to all the ladies: Matt Stubbs is pimp tight. Whats that mean? I'm not too sure but I feel very confident saying that he has to be the easiest person I have ever had to live with. Hes cool as hell. Everyone I know is cool as hell but I'm just giving Stubbs props because I had an extended talk to him tonight about the lady who is not my lady, among other things. Enough about love though. Someone once asked me why I write a lot about where I'm from, like I'm bragging or something. Well yes and no. I don't think people know exactly where I'm from or what I've done, some things I'm not too proud of but what have made me the man I am. Plus I just want people to not stereotype people from where I'm from. Hell I know quite a few drug dealers and people that society thinks are "bad men." But they aren't bad at all, we do what we have to do to get by. We survive the way we can, we may lose some along the path but we will always survive. With that said, I don't want to survive without any of you...

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The whole time I was writing that gowdy kept asking me "are you sure you want to say certain things?" Of course he didn't know what I was writing but he had an idea. And yeah, I wouldn't ever change what I wrote. Those who know me know where my heart is. If you don't then I'll tell you, just ask! But I did mean everything I said. Gowdy was surprised that when I got control of his iTunes I played the Beetles, Bob Marley, Coldplay! I like good music damn it, no matter what genre it is. But isn't funny how music brings certain things back? The key to immortality is music. Why is this? Because music takes you to a place you once forgot. The memories, the love, the pain, the joy, everything that you felt at that moment - the moment the song reminds you of - comes back as if it were yesterday. Music has a way of doing this to me, I don't know about you though. You should tell me in the guestbook! But I laid(I learned nothing from your english lesson Ant, my bad!) in gowdy's bed while the Coldplay Live DVD was playing. It was great. Its funny when you realize that you're eyes are getting a little misty while listening to the scientist...

I tried

Things are starting to look up a little. I copped the advance leaked version of Talib Kweli's new album today. Its awesome and I'll definitely be picking the retail version up the first day it comes out. If you didn't know, Talib is probably in my top 5 MCs ever so this is a huge thing for me. Its funny how vibing to music and relating to things in it can help you get through certain things huh?

Well I can't hate on the next man's game. Hell I can't hate on shit right now, you gotta do you and not care about anyone else. With that said, its proving hard to just let things slide but hell its gotta be the way it is. Things will work out in the end... whether I think they're working for me or not lol... Things have a way of working themselves out. Even if I said exactly how I felt, even if I said the few words I've ever said to someone... yeah, its cool though. You know exactly how I feel and if you don't then just ask. I got nothing but love even though I might act pissed at times - usually I'm just over emphasizing things, it takes a lot to piss me off. But anyway, yeah if you want to know whats up between you and I then just ask me. Of course I'll be honest, maybe I'll be more up front about things since that seems to have been my downfall haha.... My downfall, like I fucking lost a kingdom or something. Well in a way I lost something thats worth more than anything I think I've ever had. Enough about that though. If you know the people in my life you pretty much know who I'm talking about...

So now what? I dunno, maybe just sit back and chill.... Take things as they come and just size up the situations that come. Sounds about right for now.

If I Could Explain

We want to be free but we don't want to lose anything... I feel like a fool, rightfully so though. As much time goes on the emotional scars never seem to heal. It still hurts when I see certain things that remind me of the past... yeah. But I've been trying not to think about things so much, I have no one to blame but myself and no one likes telling themselves "good job fucker, I hope you enjoy this because you should've saw it coming" - but sometimes all you can do is see it coming... I like to think that I'm really cool about everything, I can take a loss when I need to but when shit gets to me as much as certain stuff has lately, thats when I realize just how important things are to me. I don't care if people do something thats hurts me sometimes, hell life is life and people have to live it as they see fit but when something gets through my little defenses it shows just how major it is... So now its time to just pick up the pieces and move on. I don't know about you but with me I just get pissed that I think I'm completely fine with something but when it comes down to it I get shook like a damn fool.

So I guess I have to let things go... not let things with people go, but I just gotta get use to the fact that they have more important things to do than talk/hang out/whatever it is. And maybe thats what sucks the most. To know... to feel that I was kind of... oh I don't know, cared about, valued, I don't have the fucking words for it but to know that I no longer can say "hey lets go hang out all the time" not because they want to or don't want to but because theres more important things to do than hang out with me. But who can blame them, I kind of think I'm a boring guys - I think I might be the worst person to talk to through AIM - but this isn't about self pity I just gotta get how I feel out there.... I hate change and I know that as much as I've changed things recently the way I've felt has never changed and I don't think people really understand that... because I say something doesn't mean I don't care anymore because I do... I care just as much as I ever did if not more. The more I grow and see things change the more I notice what I should never allow to change or allow to let go... but I guess thats how it goes. No ones dealt the perfect cards every time, I just have to make due with what I have... but more important what I may not have now... As much as I want to say to myself, fucktard you haven't lost anything... I don't know what to do when I feel like this...

Oh wait yeah I do. I want to drink the vodka I have. I want to bong a 40 of Corona with Kolski. I want to find a dime around campus and roll me a blunt!.... if only I knew how to roll haha. I want to just say fuck this and not do a damn thing. I know I can't do all of that... but fuck it. I'm not doing everything I should. I'm skipping some class for the whole week, I just don't really see the point right now. I hate letting how I feel affect such things. But I can't really justify certain things, oh I'm stuck in the moment I'm not thinking about things. Yeah, you're right I'm not. I'm thinking with my heart more so than my mind. I hate not being able to control certain things like how I feel. The fact that no matter how much I tell myself something I still feel the way I do. The way that even though I don't think much of certain emotions, they still dictate my actions. They still control how I act towards certain things in my life... yeah I could talk to this girl in math or this girl in latinos and why haven't I? I don't know... it doesn't feel right maybe?

But I did talk to someone today in latinos. I don't even know her name, it was just casual shit. She reminds me of Special K. If you don't know who Special K is then you probably never will, no biggie. All you gotta know is its a girl from my past. But yeah so I finally talked to a girl, I just thought that maybe it would help... yeah not so much. Its more or less like, why the fuck not at this point. Why don't I just put myself out there. As much as I don't really look for shit I haven't really put myself in a position were anyone would talk to me like that. Hell I usually never do, people who I like or have liked would probably never know how I felt about them because I usually don't just let it known but since being down here I've really been even more restrictive about even talking to other people. I guess it was my own damn thing, I don't regret not talking to certain people. It'll be what it is right? No worries.

Now all I have to do is get through this week... It should prove to be a short week. Besides skipping class here and there I'm not going to anything on Friday. Hopefully I won't be hung over or anything, now that would make the 4 hour drive home hell. But right now I think it'd be best if I just got shit faced on Thursday... maybe I'll even have an entry while I'm intoxicated haha! Funny the things we do to get by...

I can't tell you how I feel anymore

Fuck this shit. Thats all I really have to say. Shit sucks right now for reasons I won't mention but damn it I don't know why I just can't let shit go. Oh wait I do know, its because I care so fucking much. Do I care too much? I don't know, I don't think anyone can answer that. I don't think people know how much I care about certain things. And its the little things that get me the most - as in comments. The little slick shit thats said sometimes gets to me more than it does. Why the fuck is that? I don't know to be honest. If I could change it would I? Probably not, I think I'm really cool with helping and feeling for people no matter what and yeah it sucks when you feel like shit but hey thats life and thats whats up. But fuck that I guess I'm just going to act like a hardass and not let things visibly shake me. So don't ask me whats up, I honestly don't feel like talking about shit other than vent. And if you think I'm handling this like an asshole then bingo! You're right! But what else is there for me to do huh? Yeah thats right nothing... What sucks most about problems is that when you have things that you yourself can't do shit about... thats when it tends to eat away at you slowly... can't get shit done, same shit runs through you head over and over. But whose to blame for it? I guess I am... thats just the way shit is right now so I guess I gotta learn. Hell whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger I suppose. I should be fucking superman after all is said and done. And please don't say anything about you're here for me, I know you are and if I need to talk to you I'll come to you - this is in general not specific - so don't come to me like you can help because right now the only thing thats going to help is getting my mind off of this and everything thats fucking with me right now.

I'll just close my eyes

When nice weather hits Bloomington it figures that I'd have to go back home but its alright. I went home for my sister's wedding party. I left Friday afternoon and had an alright ride home. Listened to Kanye's CD and its become a huge favorite of mine. It already was but I just get in this damn mood where I can vibe doing whatever listening to that CD. But when I got home on Friday I came home to an empty house with no electricity - damn it the welfare check didn't come on time! Haha... yeah right but the power was out because a line fell. As I was unloading my stuff a car turns the corner and parks behind me. Who the hell is this!? AHH shit its X! I haven't seen him in a long time, it was cool as hell though. I talked to my mom in the dark for a good hour or so since she was the only one home. It was nice just catching up with her. After a while though I went over to Chad's and hung out with him and brandon for a few. Went to the mall, drove around then went back to Chad's. I talked to Chris and Erin which was awesome. I spent most of my night there just sitting around talking, playing Trivial Pursuit. It was cool as hell.

The next day I tried to sleep in but I got up around 9... thats so damn early for a weekend. But I ran out to target and talked to my brother and cashed some checks! Hell yeah, it was only $100 but it was $100 I didn't have before. I sat around, drove out to Mishawaka to see if I could find any cheap games... no luck. Oh well, after coming home for a while I had to go help set up for the party. Didn't take too long but damn was there a lot of drinks there... too bad I didn't have any. Wayne and his cousin Matt came, that was fucking awesome. The last time I saw Wayne before that was on Thanksgiving. Needless to say, it had been too long but I'll be sure to hang out with a lot more during break... Something tells me we're gonna get a litte deja vu haha. We stayed at the party for a while. Like I said before I didn't drink anything but I took an almost full bottle of Vodka for the road! Last night was pretty quiet for me though. Sat around and watched TV for a while then finally got some sleep.... The drive back wasn't too bad, but damn how I long for spring break...

Sucka Free

Slow week for updates huh? I guess thats what happens when you have 4 midterms and a final in the span of a week. Other than studying like a good kid I haven't really done much. The freshest thing in my mind would have to be running into Lara today. She was at gresham and I talked to her for a while, it was cool catching up. Other than that the tests have got me drained. I got my grade from my math midterm tho... yeah guess who only missed one question, thats right ME! hahaha and thats for the teacher who says theres no way I can be done as fast as I finish it. Take that! Well I got my accounting final grade back... I got at 74% percent on the final - same exact percent right that Stubbs got. Only thing is he took the class last semester... kind of weird eh? Great minds think a lot... whether they're right or wrong! But I ended up with a C+ in that class. Thats a shitty grade yeah but hell I'll take it. I hated that damn class. Fuck accounting, I'd rather be poor and not worry about shit than have to do accounting for the rest of my life. My K201 midterms were eh. The practical wasn't shit, I owned that thing but the damn lecture midterm was just crazy. So many little detailed questions were on it. Maybe they'll curve it...? Oh well, its over so no more thinking about it. Well thats about it for this week. I'm going this weekend and if anything happens I'll update and let you know whats up so check back sunday morning or something. Stay good

Song of the Day: "Food" by Common feat. Kanye West

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