Raise the Bar

So much but so little... Remember the girl I talked about recently who I said was staring at me? Well guess what!? She sat one seat down from me today in class again! Yeah, she didn't look at me too much or anything today but I thought that her sitting close to me means something... I just don't know what that something is yet. Well I managed to talk to her kind of... I made fun of her for having problems with the desks. Now I know that making fun of her isn't the best way to meet people but hell she laughed at what I said. I didn't look at her face though... For some reasons I just can't look at her. I don't want to look over and have her look right back at me... So I don't really know who it is I'm talking to other than she has dark hair and she has a black coat...

In latinos class De la Cova assigned an article about Hispanic-black relations in this country. I don't think too many people realize just how bad this relationship can be at times. I don't mean bad as in nothing good comes from it, I mean bad as in people assume minorities relate to one another. But we don't, and we often don't get along. I don't know if people know that too well but theres just a gradual distrust among the two communities. As nice as it would be to say that we get along for the greater good of both sides, we don't. You can't imagine the number of times a black guys said "I don't fuck with Mexicans. They're crazy." Hell I even heard it while I was down here in the Summer, it was mostly in a joking manner but theres some truth to it. Race relations aren't great with most races.... its not just everyone ganging up on "the man."

My first speech came and went with not too many problems. We were assigned groups to do peer critiques with and my group seems really cool. I know everyone's name in my group which is awesome. I think thats one thing that really stops me from meeting new people. I don't put enough effort into anything and learning peoples' names is one of those things I usually don't do. You can only talk to someone so long without knowing their name....

I've hit a creative stump for almost a year. When I sit down to draw something I get frustrated and pretty pissed off. The ideas don't just flow out like they use to and I feel like my drawing abilities aren't where they should be. I don't know why its been like this either but I hope to get rid of the slump soon. I've decided to pick up the good ol' sketch book and start doing some thumbnails for a larger project... yeah.

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The Calm Before the Hump

What a Tuesday... The day after the gowdy cut everything seems to have gone well. Today while walking to class I noticed this guy staring at me. As I walked closer I looked up at him and when we were just a few feet away from each other he puts his fist in the air and yells "Yeah! Go BULLS!!" It took me a second to notice what he was talking about. This guy caught me completely off guard but then I remembered... the hat I got from Gowdy is an old Chicago Bulls hat. The funny thing about this is... the Bulls suck. I mean they really aren't good at all but maybe this guy was from the Chi? He had the same hat I had on but his was blue while mine or should I say Gowdy's is white.

This morning in A100(Accounting) this girl sat next to me and it felt like she was just looking at me throughout the class... Now I don't know if that was the case but damn did it make me feel uncomfortable. At first I thought, "Do I have something on my face?" But I never found out. The other thing I thought was maybe she was interested in me? Now what I wish I could say is that, hell it happens all the time! I swept her off her feet and got her number, etc. but no, it doesn't happen all the time. When I think it is happening I tend to get kind of nervous. I don't know how to act when a girl is interested... Kind of sad, yes I know but whats a guy to do?

Song of the Day: "Deadly Combination" by Big L featuring 2Pac
-2Pac-
"Follow me tell me if you feel me
I think niggaz is tryin to kill me
Picturin pistols, spittin hollow points til they drill me
Keepin it real, and even if I do conceal
my criminal thoughts, preoccupied with keepin steel
See niggaz is false, sittin in court, turned snitches
that used to be real, but now they petrified bitches
I'm tryin to be strong, they sendin armies out to bomb me
Listen to Ron, the only DJ that can calm me
Constantly armed, my firepower keep me warm
I'm trapped in the storm, and fuck the world til I'm gone
Bitches be warned - word is bond, you'll get torn
I'm bustin on Guiliani, he rubbin my niggaz wrong
And then it's on, before I leave picture me
I'm spittin at punk bitches and hustlin to be free
Watch me set it, niggaz don't want it, you can get it
Bet it make these jealous niggaz mad I said it
This +Thug Life+ nigga, we don't cater to you hoes
Fuck with me, have a hundred motherfuckers at yo' door,
with fo'-fo's.. hahahahaha, yeah nigga!
+Thug Life+!"

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The Listening

Its the beginning of a new week and I'm growing more and more lazy. I decided to drop one of my classes, it was just a waste of time. So now I can focus on all my other 5 class right!? Right... but not much has really been going on down here. I got an apartment for next year, thats really cool. I'll be living with Stubbs, Gowdy, and Ant. I have to try to figure out a way to get a parking permit so I don't always have to take the bus here. I'm not sure how thats going to go but it should be interesting... Well I have a ton of homework to catch up on so I'll have update again another day..

---Update 10:58 PM---
I just shaved Gowdy's head. Don't look at me like that! He asked for it and I think it turned out just fine. He likes it too, which is awesome. Its like the movie "Barbershop" except its mexican style... and a lot more ghetto! Shaving people heads in the bathroom at a damn college dorm is just great, who else can say that they do that huh? Yeah, thats right, no one else!

Get My Mind Right

ITs been... quite a few days. I would like to say I got caught up with homework but I haven't, I haven't been doing shit really. I've become super lazy, which sucks, but this past weekend I think I've been correcting that. Stubbs went back to Elkhart and Elkhart came to Amber so then there were only three. Ant, Gowdy, and I mostly worked on homework or slept. We ate at Mother Bears and we saw School of Rock last night but other than that it wsa mostly a weekend to just sit back and recharge.

Theres been a few things on my mind lately. I think this past weekend gave me a lot of time to just sit back and think... You ever feel something and you know you shouldn't feel that way? Its not like I feel like I have AIDs or any other STD its more about internal conflicts. There are just things I feel that I know I shouldn't and no matter how much I tell myself "listen dumbass, stop it!" it just doesn't stop... But I think I've finally listened and thats good. Don't worry, what I was dealing with isn't anything bad - not at all, it was just something that would become troublesome sooner or later.

Well thats it for now, I hit my head against the top bunk... maybe I shoudl take a nap...

Thats Me

I don't question myself too often but recently I don't know why sometimes I question things I've never really questioned before. I don't stand for anything - Maybe I don't, I don't know right now. I ain't shit. I know that too. I'm nothing but a kid who sometimes tries too hard I suppose, I don't know. All I know is that right now I feel about as big as the font you're reading. Whether I should feel this way or not isn't important because whether I should or shouldn't doesn't matter - what matters is how you view me. So no matter what I say or do, it doesn't really matter...

One thing that people ask me is "why do you write ghetto" - I'm not sure if I've ever answered that questions on here... I can't really remember but here goes again just in case. I write like this because this is how I think. I guess I just think "ghetto like," living there most of your life will do that to you. Why don't I speak like I'm ghetto though you're probably wondering? Well its because I understand that certain people will be reached in different ways. Why speak in a way that will hinder me trying to get my message across to someone? I speak the way I think its best to reach whoever I'm trying to reach. I write ghetto because I guess thats my habit, I don't doll this up in any way. Its just unfiltered untampered thoughts straight out of my mind. Thats all...

Song of the Day: "Where Do We Go" by Talib Kweli
"Now, if I could help it I tell it just like it is
And I may say some things that you don't like to hear
I know this: that people lie, people kneel
People die, people heal, people steal, and people shed tears
What's real, blood spills, gun kill, the sun still - rise
Above me, trust me, it must be, morning - time
Wake up, the stakes up
Everybody want the cake up, to break up with the crew
But when the karma come back for what you do
It's too late to make up - some excuse

Where do we go? What do we say? What do we do?
Nowhere to turn, nowhere to run and there's nothin new
Where do we go for inspiration?
It's like pain is our only inspiration"

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Just to Get By

I've always had a philosophy in life, "It'll all work out in the end" but now I find myself not only questioning that saying but questioning myself... I've lived almost every moment of my life believing that - that's why I keep so much inside. That's why I don't mind feeling the way I do at time, knowing that I should be more outspoken about certain things because in the end its all suppose to work out! But now I'm not so sure. Its more than just whats happened over the weekend and I'm sorry that this sounds a little selfish, I mean people are going through more than what I am but there are a few things that have made me think...

My grandfather passed away on a Friday morning. My father told me that the other days of that week my grandfather told everyone he talked to about me. While he was in the hospital he told everyone he could there. When he was home he told his caretaker about me. Thats all he would talk about... He told everyone how much he missed me and how much he wanted to see me. But that didn't work out in the end did it? In the end that didn't work out at all.

L - I don't know what else I could say. That was my heart and hell things were awesome... Things happened and now I seem to be doing more harm than good. I feel like I do nothing but hurt you and maybe I hurt more people than just you. I mean that isn't working out in the end. Every time I've thought that things had worked out I look in your eyes and I see the pain... That didn't work out in the end...

Maybe in the end things will work out but I can't fast forward time and be there. These words have caused me to live my life a certain way it feels like maybe I've been doing the wrong thing... I don't know, now I find myself not only dealing with this or that but trying to find something else to live by and thats going to take a while... I'm sorry

Need I Say More

After an unforgettable weekend I've come to reflect on certain things and just have certain things I have to say about it. A lot happened since Friday, I won't go into any of it in too much detail for various reasons but I think there were points over the weekend when I was just thinking about so much that it all kind of got jumbled and I just lost sight of certain things... I know I was a little quiet this weekend, I just had too much going on I guess - there were certain things I was thinking about that kind of surprised me...

I think I lost sight of certain things that really matter and I was selfish... Something I don't like being at all. I don't really have an excuses for certain things, although some people might just think of the things I said/did were stupid things people say I take it more seriously. And if you were one of the people who listened to my selfish rambling, thank you. It meant a lot and I wish that you really knew how much that meant to me - but I just lost sight of certain things like I said earlier. I don't think that happens to me much but maybe I just don't ever really notice... But Thank you for listening to me over the weekend, thank you for reading this as well, thanks for just being there for me in general - I'm always here for you and I'd love to just talk about the things that are going on with you, everyone of you... But with that I think I'm done for now, I'm tired and I need some more sleep....

But I'm just going to leave you with this, things for me at least have always had a way of working themselves out. You just have to have faith in things and it'll be what it is and what it always was.... Maybe its not my place to say such things...

Song of the Day: "When It Hurts So Bad" by Lauryn Hill
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it,
If you don't catch it,
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it

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myTunes, myLove

I've survived my first two days of class back at IU and I feel like I'm back in the swing of things. There have been relatively few problems so far, I had a blundered introduction in public speaking today. I had to stand and introduce myself, well me being not the smallest guy in the world really constricts the space I have between jumbled desks, so when I stood up to introduce myself I brought a desk up with me. It wasn't too bad, I really didn't give a damn which was cool - I think a year ago I would've been embarrassed but eh I just brushed it off for now. Other than that, things are going well.

Today everyone took a trip to the University Commons to check up on getting an apartment. The places there looked nice and the idea of getting an apartment with the guys is definitely something I want to pursue. Don't worry, we didn't leave Amber out of the loop - shes applying for an RA position... plus I made the offer that she could use the washer/drier in exchange for a cooked meal haha - I'm just kidding of course but hey I take what I can get. After talking to my parents about it, it seems that I'll most likely end up there which is great.

Something that Katie wrote about made me think about things the other day, dead friendships. I think I've kept most of my friendships alive and well... There are a few that I probably could keep up on more but I don't know how to really... Old friends like Andy, Johnny, and X are off doing their thing. Last I heard Andy was at an art school in Chicago, Johnny went to New York in search of - hell I don't know, and X is going to school down in the crooked letter state, Mississippi. So its kind of hard to keep up with them but I will when I catch them around the way. Overall though, I don't think I really have many dead friendships - although I might not talk to them as much as I'd like, we're still able to pick up right were we left off. Hell, I didn't even really hang out/talk much with one of my closet friends for almost a year and we're still tight. If anyones wondering who I'm talking about, its Wayne aka Wheez, Lil Wayne, Crow, 2 Pistols, or whatever the hell hes calling himself now. I think a lot with a friendship is just having fun and being able to rely on one another, being able to become dependent on them and know its fine because they'll always be there for you. The having fun part I can do with just about anyone and if I call you a friend then I'll pretty much do anything if it helps you out at all.

Well I'm in the writing mood so I think I'll just ramble about other things now... Rawkus Records has closed its doors. For those who don't know, Rawkus is the home of what I consider to be the best rap roster on a label ever. But Jay-Z is showing quite an interest in some of their artists so maybe we'll see some of them throwing up the diamond sometime soon... Well since I mentioned Hova there I think I'll leave you with a quote of his...

"Life is like a treadmill, niggas runnin in place - gettin no where fast, a whole year done passed"

Song of the Day: "How the Rob the League" by Shaquille O'Neal - you read it right, its by the man who graced the cover of Shaq Fu! Its not a good song by any means but if you want a good laugh then give it a listen. Its a rip off of 50's break out hit "How to Rob the Industry" but we can't blame Shaq now can we? After all, he is a basketball player trying to rap - what skills can he really have...?

Just a Quickie

Two classes, one day, no problems. Thats pretty much it for today. Things went better than I thought they would but tomorrow brings 4 classes and a lot more to do probably. Its alright though, I have Modern Mexico with Stubbs and Gowdy - a deadly combination! I read a few things today that made me want to write - Katie talking about dead friendships is up there. I want to add my own 2 cents so I'll probably write about it tomorrow if I don't get any homework. For now though I'm going to go wrap myself up in a warm blanket and get some sleep, I have an 8 AM to attend...

Hate Me Now

"Nobody noticed us, nobody gave a shit... but the bigger we get, the more we're TAKING from other people.."

That quotes always stuck out in my mind, I'm not too sure why... I've always felt that I'm pretty unselfish about things. Hell I think I'm pretty giving, I don't mind giving this or that, maybe that's why? Sometimes I think I might just be too giving or forgiving at that... Along with that I've never really turned my back on anyone or anything no matter what has happened, I've always felt that no matter what I can always open my arms to someone who has wronged me - scars will scab and before we know it the scars will become common place... But there are somethings I just can't endure, those things being few and far between - but I don't think I've ever really told anyone what these things are, for good reason though... Well I think I'm going to have to be a little more selfish with certain things and let things out. I don't think I'm one to hold my tongue but there are certain things that are better left unsaid... but hell I've never been afraid to say shit before and I have to say it now because I can't take not saying it - so if I say something that isn't quite me then just let me say, its being true to me and true to you...

Along with that I've always felt like a person to just kind of stay under the radar. I don't think I draw too much attention and I'm pretty glad with things like that, I'm not all about getting a ton of attention but maybe things have to change with that too? I'd rather just let myself be known when its needed instead of every chance I get... I don't say certain things because I don't want to cause shit or make my prescience known a lot - its even like that in class - but maybe I should? I can't kept things, myself, in the shadows forever - I have to just step forth and let myself be felt by others... I don't know, this is just random ramblings before a day of new things...

New year, new title - let me know what you think in the guestbook. Well I had a whole long entry planned but I better get some sleep,once I get to IU I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say...

Its been too long since I wrote an entry, I'm not exactly sure why I haven't sat down before this to write anything... But it doesn't really matter much now does it? How have you been spending the past few weeks? Well, I've just been hanging out with friends, spending time with family, but I haven't been able to hang out with some people I would've hoped to see over break. Theres still time to see them, but there was always time to see them and now that there is only "still time" I feel like maybe I could've done more... But thats alright, no regrets. Things don't always work out but things have a way of falling into place. The puzzle doesn't always come together like the picture on the box but we find a way to make all the pieces fit...

Recently I've been wondering if maybe people have been questioning me...? I don't know, I get certain things from certain blogs/diaries and it just makes me think. Am I a bad friend? Am I giving off the wrong impression? If anything I think maybe people are reading into the little things more than they should. I'm all about actions speak louder than words but do my actions convey a lie? I don't think so, maybe others do. I've been called out as "the mexican" but it happens a lot so why is this time so different? I didn't take offense to it in any way but I question why I've been called out. For whatever reasons I've been called out for I'm sure they're warrented - I just wish I would told about them more than reading about on a website. And this line is directed straight at you gowdy: Don't lose sight of the bigger things because the little things are on your mind so much. Don't question my honesty, thats one thing that pisses me off. I think I'm one of the most honest people you'll find, if the answers that you seek from me aren't apparent in my actions/words then just ask me about it...