Thank You

Its Monday, I'll be home tomorrow night and I dont' have anything tomorrow. I had a few set backs last night though - my computer crashed on me while writing an outline for my final paper that was due today. I had to get rid of everything on my computer and reinstall it. This caused quite a bit of headaches to say the least. At first my computer wouldn't even start up - I don't know how I got it to work but damn it I did! And now it runs better than before, I got most but not all of my old programs back. So then I didn't get a chance to start on my outline until about 1:30-2 am. So I finally grinded it out and half assed it but it was still a little something. It was about 2:30-3 am by the time I finished. Good thing I didn't have to be up at say... 7 am for an early class - oh wait, I did! To make matters worse it was snowing this morning, I had to find a printer, and I looked like a modern day frankenstein! But it all ended up alright, much like P. Diddy "can't nobody hold me down!" The holidays are coming up, I think communication with most of my friends is at an all time high for the most part, I'm just feeling good to be where I'm at right now..

I've never really told anyone this but growing up I've always had this dream I've hoped I would be able to achieve. I want to leave my mark on this world and never be forgotten, I want to be immortalized through worlds and peoples minds... I don't know why, but I've always felt like thats what I should do. How would I accomplish this? I had no clue and I still don't but the older I get the less I want to leave my mark on this world... Maybe it is unrealistic but the older I've become the less I want to do something with the world as much as I want to help those around me... I don't know, I always wanted to help those around me but now I feel like its something I have to do. Don't take that the wrong way, I don't feel obligated to - I feel compelled to. I want to do whatever I can to my friends, so to everyone who is reading this: you are my brothers, you are my sister, you are my family. I'd do anything for you guys because you've done everything for me. And with that, I'm off. Have a happy thanksgiving everyone, make sure to get a hold of me - my phone is on 24/7 and thats no joke.

Say Hello to my Group of Friends

What is happiness if I can't share it with my friends? Its nothing, thats what it is. If I'm happy its probably because of something they said or did. Well today, everyone was facing various things coming up soon. Some have tests, others have a lot of homework, I'm sure there is more for some too. But today after talking to everyone here, I realized just how cool things are. I don't think theres a better group of people that I could go thru what I go thru with in college. I think we respect each other's views and are able to connect and communicate in a way that most don't. Its just nice being able to talk to others abuot anything. But I don't have anything looming over my head for this week, the others seem to have tests/etc. so I went to Target and bought each of them a bag of candy. I know its not a lot but I think it came unexpected for everyone and hopefully it brought a smile to their face. I think we can share our good times and our bads because through it all we will be together and thats what makes things so memorable. Anything I ever say to you guys is with love kids, you are who helps define me and I hope you feel the same. I've grown so comfortable around everyone that I can joke with them as tho they were part of the fam. And to me you are, I think thats how tight I feel with everyone. You've made this semester better than I ever thought it would be and its been great. Hopefully our adventures will continue back home, not just here. Well I don't have a ton of homework, but the little I do have I should start soon. I might update before Thanksgiving but in case I don't, I hope to see you all soon. I wanna touch base with everyone and hang out when I'm home, even if I see you all the time here. Take care

A night fool of.....

Well its the end of another Friday night. Not only another Friday night but the last Friday night before I go home. Plus, Tony and Hunter came down from Purdue so everything seemed like smooth sailing. But as always, there are a few bumps in the road. For one, Stubbs had tickets to the first game of the IU Basketball season - so he would be MIA for a while tonight. Then once Tony and them got here, it seemed like finding dinner was more of a challenge then it should've been. We went from one place to the next in hopes of finding food. But the main things that got me tonight came after that...

On the way to Gowdy's dorm after eating, there was a group of guys coming out of his building. Well I kept walking and one of the guys wasn't paying attention to where he was going and about ran into me. Once we were face to face, we both moved out of the way a bit to keep moving. Well I guess once I was in the building, a few of my friends overheard him saying something like "If I were in the hood, I would've fucked him up." Now that shit bothered me for a lot of reasons. For one he was acting hard once I wasn't around, just to his crew. Fuck that, you wanna act hard then come hard - don't pull a bitch move and say some shit when I'm not around. Thats just the complete opposite of what I considered being hard is, just talking shit when they aren't around. The other thing is he said if he was "in the hood," well you aren't in the hood kiddo - you're at IU. You've made it to IU for a reason so I would say you have a decent head on your shoulders. So that hood comment is just some dumb shit to me, hell I'm from the hood but I realize that the hood has taught me more lessons than I could ever imagine but the fact that you switch roles like a damn chameleon - fuck that. Be you, if you're hood than you're hood but that doesn't mean you can't be smart. So instead of recognizing that fucking someone up for almost running into you is a bad idea, you'll just be too stubborn and try to be hard. Its that kind of mentality that will limit were you're going in life, at least thats what I believe. If you can't acknowledge your past and use what you've learned in order to further yourself in life than you will never escape your past. I know I'm not hard, being hard means being stubborn and not being able to adapt to things. Hell even the "hardest" rapper, 50 Cent talks about this in one of his songs. I'll handle mine and I know that wasn't shit but it just got to me for some reason. I don't think anyone challenged me like that in a long ass time... maybe thats why...

The other thing that surprisingly shocked me was just little comments thrown around by the crew. I know I'm nothing special but the older I've gotten the more I am beginning to acknowledge that women don't get the respect that they should and its starting to get to me. I know I'm not perfect either, I know I say shit that I shouldn't and I have to work on that but disrespecting women in a way that affects them as more than a joke upsets me. "Never disrespect no women cause I love my momma," I think Talib puts it nicely. Disrespecting them in a way that portrays them as something they aren't... something that people don't respect at all - I don't know, its starting to get to me. I know I listen to hip hop, make crude jokes, and enjoy media that disrespects women more than it should but I can't change the way women are portrayed by the media. All I can change is how I treat women and I think I owe them a hell of a lot more respect than they do. Maybe the way I act towards them will change the way someone else views them, but then again it probably won't. The most I can do is start with myself and see where it goes from there. Don't take this the wrong way tho either, I don't look down on you if I don't think you respect women as much as you should but I just can't do it myself. Its something with me, not you. So to all the women I've disrespecting in any way, shape, or form - I'm sorry. You are the reason that life continues, you bring life into the world and if we disrespect those who carry life then we will start a cycle of disrespect that will spread to their children and continue over and over... Sorry if I sound preachy, thats just the way I feel about it..

This Christmas my parents might be going to Mexico again. I can't go since I have to work at Target and earn money for next semester and I know that going there makes them really happy but seeing them leave tears me up inside. It makes me feel alone for the holidays, a time when most families come together, and it just gives me a bleak outlook on things during these times. I know my brother and sister will be here for me and I love them for that. They don't realize how much its meant to me, last Christmas really made me connect with them and appreciate them more than I ever had before. I just wish my parents could be around... but maybe you, the rest of my loved ones will be around - I can never get enough of you guys...

Song of the Day: "For Women" by Talib Kweli
"I got off the 2 train in Brooklyn on my way to a session
Said let me help this woman up the stairs before I get to steppin'
We got in a conversation she said she a 107
Just her presence was a blessing and her essence was a lesson
She had her head wrapped
And long dreads that peeked out the back
Like antenna to help her get a sense of where she was at, imagine that
Livin' a century, the strenght of her memories
Felt like an angel had been sent to me
She lived from nigger to colored to negro to black
To afro then african-american and right back to nigger
You figure she'd be bitter in the twilight
But she alright, cuz she done sseen the circle of life yo
Her skin was black like it was packed with melanin
Back in the days of slaves she packin' like Harriet Tubman
Her arms are long and she moves like song
Feet with corns, hand with callouses
But her heart is warm and her hair is wooly
And it attract a lot of energy even negative
She gotta dead that the head wrap is her remedy
Her back is strong and she far from a vagabond
This is the back of the masters' whip used to crack upon
Strong enough to take all the pain, that's been
Inflicted again and again and again and again and flipped
It to the love for her children nothing else matters
What do they call her? They call her aunt Sara."

---

No Time

Theres so much due this week that I'm sorry to say that updates probably won't come until Friday afternoon. I have to do so much work on this english paper that keeps evolving into more stuff - I'll probably write about ito n Friday. Then theres a computer project due on Friday, its mostly done. But I haven't even started on my M211 homework, and thats what matters most. Since there isn't much to read write now how about you leave ME something to read by signing the guestbook. I don't care how many times you've signed it already, you better sign it again! Until then, stay good.

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The only thing that flows thru these veins is Pimp Juice!

The weekend is over, my homework is complete. Things are going well, life is good. I don't really know, I can't wait to go back home. I just want to see all my loved ones, get to sit in my room, play with my nephew, even shake hands with my bro. Its the little things that I miss the most. Sittin back in my basement, just listening to music. Going over waynes house, lifting weights, just sitting in his back yard sippin' on a pepsi. I've never really missed home all that much until the closer I get to going back. I think this Thankgiving will mean more for me than any other I've had... distance has made me miss my family and the little things we do.

Well not much as been going on here. This weekend was more of the usual with the gang. When I say more of the usual, I just mean more good times and more laughes. We did the usual, dinner thing but we switched it up on Friday and ended up going to Steak N Shake around 1-2 in the morning. A milkshake has never tasted so damn good. Today I spent most of my day working on calculus, and thinking about what to write about for my final paper in english. I think for my final paper I'm going to write about how race is related to social/economic class and how money is considered the great equalizer that can overcome racial barriers! The only bad thing is that there aren't a ton of sources I can use for this, I tried looking for some tonight and I didn't have much luck. Maybe my teacher will have something I can work with if not than this is going to get a lot harder. I also spend the day writing a poem I'm going to use as a source. I'll post it as the song of the day so everyone can read it. Well thats all for now, tomorrow I have to schedule my classes for next semester so there should be some interesting stuff. Well I hope you had a good weekend, check back tomorrow!

Song of the Day: "Self Conscious" by Kanye West - its not really a song now but it will be. Its on his forthcoming debut "College Dropout"
"Im so self conscious
thats why you always see me with at least one of my watches
Rollies and Porsches done drove me crazy
I-I cant even pronounce nothing, pass that Versache
Then I spent 400 bucks on this
Just to be like "nigga you aint up on this"
I can't even go to the grocery store
without some shoes thats clean and a shirt with a team
It seems, we livin' the American Dream
But the people highest up got the lowest self esteem
The prettiest people do the ugliest things
For the road to riches and diamond rings
We shine because they hate us
Floss cuz they degrade us
We tryin' to buy back our 40 acres
And for that paper look how low we stoup
Even when I'm in my Benz, I'm still a nigga in a coupe
I promise, shes so self conscious
She has no idea what she doing in college
That major that she majored in don't make no money
Told me she majored in TV
but she won't drop out her parents'll look at her funny
now tell me that ain't insecurr, the concept of school seem so securr
sophomore three yurrs ain't picked a carurr
she said "fuck it I'll just stay down here and do hair"
cuz thats enough money to buy her a few pairs
of new airs cuz baby daddy don't really care
shes so precious, with the peer pressure
couldn't afford a car, so she named her daught alexus
she had hair so long that it looked like weave
then she cut it all off, now she look like eve
and she be dealing with some issues that you can't believe
single black female addicted to retail
I said "fuck the police," thats how I treat 'em
We've bought our way out of jail but we can't buy freedom
See we buy a lot of clothes but we don't really need 'em
Things we buy to cover up whats inside
Cuz they made us hate ourself, and love they wealth
Thats why shortys hollerin' "where the ballers at?"
Drug dealer buy jordans, crack head buy crack
And the white man get paid offa all of that"

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What have I done...

Hump day is here and gone. Nothing really happened today so theres not much I have to say. Tomorrow I'll write tho, I just want to write about how much I hate the word "urban" and the different meanings it has in society. But thats for tomorrow. Instead of writing anything tonight I just kinda sat down and wrote some bars. I know they're pretty terrible and choppy but hey it was pretty much all a freestyle that took about 10-15 mins. Well leave me some feedback in the guestbook. I'm no Talib Kweli or J5 but hey, I tried. I want to write a lot more so hopefully people won't tear me apart for this. But before that let me teach you a little terminology. Jakes = cops, Raw=coke. Well here it is:

Shit ain't easy where I'm from
Trying to make somethin' outta living in the slums
Learn to duck the jakes before the sirens come
No one teachin 'em lessons, everyone after a sum
Seems like everyones on their own
Kids can't call for help, they ain't got a phone
So they learn to pitch raw, before they touch a baseball
Taught how to make mil with a mentality of fuck the law
Then they still gotta prove they a man
Money ain't enuff, they carry guns in each hands
Show the hood that you more than just a hustling thug
You pimp these hoes, you not just peddlin drugs
Now you got the block on lock and got made
Realizin' all along that you've been a slave
Not noticing you been poisoning your peers
Causin so much drama been felt in so many tears
Nobody respect you now, all you evoke is fear
But this shits been going on for years
Ask me why we like this and the answers clear
The only hope we have is bein' a crack engineer
Not realizing that knowledge is all we needed to grow
So the misguided youth will seek misguided truth
And the cycle will continue all over once I step outta the booth

Song of the Day: "I Can Feel It" by DMX
"The best of y'all niggas remind me of myself when I was younger
When it was hunger that stopped the nigga from goin' under
And you wonder, why I pat you on your head, smile
Look in your eyes and thank the lord for my child
Meanwhile, somethin' I gotta show you an I hope you can take it
Gonna leave you in the desert, an I hope that you make it
Gotta put you on your ass to see what it does to you
When you stand up an see that I'm just showin' love to you
Other niggas would put a slug through you, over your ends
Caps I fucked with are real, but hey
Those are your friends
Its just what you got comin' sometimes you don't know
What you askin' for, did you ask for more?
Should the casket door swing here, it is done
An thought you was a killer, you swore you'd never run
Nigga died with his gun still up in the holster
It is comin' in the air? Yeah its getting' closer"

My Life - My Music

Not much happened today, I didn't have any classes so I sat around my dorm working on different things and listening to music. So instead of writing about my day I'm going to write a response to something written in my guestbook. Wayne pretty much called me out about listening to certain music so I'm not only going to write something about the music I listen to but also my journey through hip hop and the effect if has had on me.

I don't remember when I began listening to rap. Since I moved to this country I've been living in the ghetto and I've been surrounded by hip hop but I still remember the CD that made me take notice of exactly what Hip Hop was: it was Me Against the World by 2Pac. I remember my brother playing that cd and I instantly wanted to know more about it. Songs like So Many Tears and Dear Mamma showed me the diverse subjects that are discussed. I began getting into the whole Thug era that was popular during that time. Then the Bad Boy/Cash Money era came. I grew tired of all the monotonous bling bling and started getting into the Underground. I'll always remember Quality Control by Jurassic 5. It was the first underground CD I had ever bought and it made me want to get more underground CDs. CDs came and went, some classic some so-so but it seemed like the Underground CDs never disappointed me. So Wayne and I started getting heavily into the it, he more than I, I'll have to admit. He introduced me to a lot of classics like Reflection Eternal by Talib Kweli, Lets Get Free by Dead Prez, and the Black Star. I showed him "Black on Both Sides" by Mos Def, "The Big Picture" by Big L, "9 Lives" by AZ, and "The Realness" by Cormega(a cd I felt so much that I adopted part of it into my screen name). Now the rap scene seems to be going back to the Thug era of the 90's and with it I've come to get more "Real" Cds and different artists. I've become intrigued by the Mixtape scene, I think that within 2 years there will be mixtapes released nationally not only with Hip Hop but with other genres of music. But the Mixtapes go back to the streets and it brings me right back to when I initially started liking hip hop and the music that became so prominent because of 2Pac among other artists. It seems that everythings come full circle for me and Hip Hop.... So now the effect its had on my life..

Wayne and I went through these different eras of music together. There was always my bro who would introduce me to different artists and things but Wheez kept up with me as I went through the eras. The different eras I would say described our mentality and our growth throughout the years. As we were young we wanted to prove we were "Men" and we were more dominate, hence the Thug era. As we grew up we wanted to have money, we wanted to be flashy to attract the opposite sex and to impress everyone around us - the bling bling era. The bling bling era I think was pivotal to Hip Hop, I mean what else do you expect people to do when they come from nothing and sudden have made millions off of what they love? They'll go crazy and overfloss. When this happened we realized just how easy is was to talk about money/hoes and we wanted something more artistic so we went to the Underground. This was kind of the time I began to get into my art a lot, I was going thru a very creative time. It was all about letting your imagination go and doing something great. Well, while this was going on the bling bling era was still going. It was all about excess during that time but when kids realized they can't really floss like everyone they see on TV they look for ways they can. This is when I started getting back into Street/Thug music. For most people where I'm from, you can't make shit legit and I saw this around me so much. I realized that most people go through the struggle and I feel that I can relate to them. This is why I think I've come back into that kind of music, although I'm not in the same position as them I realize that in order to make money we all go through struggles. Its all a hustle, Life is just a hustle that you have to adapt to. You hustle better than the next man or the next man will do better than you. I think college is just a hustle of doing as little you can but still getting whats yours. Hip Hop has been something I have been able to identify with since I've known what it was. I know some people dislike it or think its just "nigger" music but its more than that. Its a way to express not only your creative side but to express the problems you face within you community. Its given a voice to people that have been ignored or looked down upon. Its the light at the end of the tunnel for so many, its a way to escape the harsh realities around you whether it be with the creative side of the underground or by making Thug(borderline pop) music and getting money in order to get outta the ghetto and making a better life for you and yours...

So Wayne I haven't really fallen off the Underground Sound, its still there. Its just that I'm feeling what brought me into it initially and made me take notice of it... With that theres a Song of the Day that I've been feelin' a lot lately. Its off of the last Jay-Z CD that'll be coming out this Friday. I got a leaked version and I have to say, this is some classic stuff. I don't care what kind of music you like, whats on there is just a man's life story and his different sides. It'd be one of the best CDs you could buy this year, I guarantee it.

Song of the Day: "Moment of Clarity" by Jay-Z
" I've dumbed down for the audience to double my dollas
They criticize me for it, yet they all yell holla
If skills sold truth be told
I'd probably be, lyrically Talib Kweli
Truthfully I wanna rhyme like Common Sense
(But I did 5 Mil) I ain't been rhymin like Commen Since"

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Just Another Monday

This week is going to go by fast. I don't have much of anything really, I just had 3 exams last week plus I had a business exam today. The only thing that I'll really have to do this week is write a paper for W131 but that shouldn't take too long. The one thing that pisses me off is the fact that she said my thesis was one of the best in the class during class and even used it as an example but when I got my rough draft back today she said so many things about my thesis needing a lot of work, not really setting up anything for my paper. I also got my last calculus test back... I got a 78 on it, which is the best grade of recieved so far on a calculus test but still, when I flipped back through it I realized that 90% of the mistakes I had made were just simplify things and if I would've goten them right then I probably would've ended up with a score close to 90. Oh well, whats behind me is behind me - I can only try harder next time and hopefully do better.

Well theres not really much going on right now, I just felt I should write since I didn't write since Thursday - so I think I'll recap a few things that happened on Halloween. Well for those of you who don't know, everyone dressed up as a Giligan's Island character. I can't remember all of the names but I'll take some guesses - I was the Skipper, Gowdy was Giligan, Anthony was the rich guy, Amber was Ginger, and Stubbs was Mary Ann! Yeah you read that right, Stubbs got in touch with his feminine side that night. Well we had to through the costumres together in break neck speed, we went out that night and bought everything in a relatively quick manner then we ran back and forth getting everythign we needed from everyones dorm. We ended up going to Amber's dorm so everyone could get ready and so Stubbs could go thru his "transformation." Well all things went well, everyone looked like they should and Stubbs' make-up was applied with no resistance from him. We ended up going to a "party" at Wright food court for a while sicne it was still pretty early. We just laughed at the people dancing for the most part, they could either not dance or they were dancing as if they'd never had any sexual release. After that happened we noticed just how much it was raining and we decided to wait it out for a while in Wright's center desk. Once the rain had diminished to a point that we could walk outside, we came over here and grabbed umbrellas because we were about ready to walk to a PARTY! Hahaha, yeah it was at Mike's place and since I didn't really know where it was I didn't drive and we all had to walk there. It wasn't too bad of a walk, I've walked much further when we went out our first week here. Well the party was pretty popular, there were a ton of kids there. Not just any kids tho, mostly Elkhart kids! People that I went to high school for the most part. It was kind of awkward, I wasn't really friends with them in school but at the party they seemed all buddy buddy which was alright I guess - it just seemed kind of fake to me. Well after they recieved a call that the neighbors were complaining we decided to get the hell outta there, there was a keg and most of the kids were shit faced. I also got a call from Lil' Wayne a.k.a 2 Pistols while I was there, its always nice to talk to friends on the phone. Its usually a suprise when I get the calls, a really nice surprise tho. Well after we left the party we just hung out at the dorms and called it a night sometimes around 3-4am I think... I'm not too sure. Well that was my Halloween night in a nutshell. It had to have been the most memorable Halloween I've ever had and I really look forward to next year.

Song of the Day: "Fan Mail" by AZ
"Peace Allah, hope tha scribe reach ya hands in good health
As for self, no sense of worrying my cards been dealt
Sunk in a cell, fishscale, fifth year of my bid
Finally got a chance recent to connect with my kids
It's kinda hard thru carelessness I scared they moms
And temporary I was barred voluntary the bond
Nevertheless, it's issues I need to address
Pertaining the certain statements that made me confess
Faced with life, it bites when reality hit
And wit crime come a lot of technicality shit
Thru many co-defendants conspiracies linking
Like the court system designed to keep the mind from thinking
Fog ya vision, guess it's just the odds of living
But like me, most great men became god in prison
Since Illmatic, first heard ya bars of life
I was up in Cansaki, niggas started to fight
You touched souls to a lost population of men
And no doubt, if ever out they'll never lock me again
Faced wit 10 on state time, wit life on the back
It's fucked up when your own folks ain't writing you back
Learn to relax, spoke wit certain cats that helped adapt
You know the streets to the pen it's kinda hard to transact
All the cars and the pretty women, condos,
The clothes and the city living
I seen division, breakdown of the population
It's either submit, death or incarceration I felt the combination
Torn between reality rap and the fakes
Some do it for the salary cap few relate
And been thru what I been thru at least in fraction
So when they spit you could feel the passion I see you maxin'
That Nas and that Jigga riff started some shit
It departed the prison system we should argue a bit
It's a glimpse of what's to come
The past follow, hold the voice just hunger me holdin' my last bottle
I live like that of a star without the title, I had to write you
It's beyond trying to enlight you
It's a token of appreciation for being that poet with no abbreviations
Much respect from us all wish you much success
Get yours take money nigga fuck the rest I'm signing off
And leave in the way that I greet and say peace
Keep in mind always rep the streets, you that nigga."

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Racing Thru Time

This week has gone in the blink of an eye. I know tomorrow is Thursday but hell, Thursday is pretty much the end of the week - Although I have a Calculus test on Friday. That damn test is going to kick my ass but thats the usual when it comes exam time in that class. Well there hasn't been much going on lately. Tonight tho I was doing a lot of reading for W131 that had to do with race and race related things for a 5 page paper I have to do by Friday too. How much of it do I have done you're probably asking... well none but I usually write things the day they're due so its not something to get worried about.

A line I read made me think more so than anything else I had read tonight. It was something along the lines of blacks/whites/any races are never going to be equal and will never be able to destroy racism or the racial caste system that exists in society. I thought about it for a while and then I had to agree with it. As much as I would love to say that someday we will be able to look past race and just see who someone is on the inside, it'll never happen. Our differences are too great and our history cannot be forgotten. If we were to be equals we would have to just throw out hundreds of years of our past and just ignore our culture. We would ignore what makes us different and just concentrate on what makes us similar, what makes us a homogeneous society. I don't ever want to see a homogeneous society. It would be the same as killing people, you would be destroying someone's identity in order to just make some people feel more at peace since we would all be considered equals. Our differences are to be celebrated and acknowledged, not ignored. Thats what makes us who we are, our differences not our similarities and a huge difference is our racial/ethnic/cultural background. Its just a matter of respecting our differences instead of making half assed assumptions based on stereotypes. As hard as it is sometimes identifying with other people its something essential to who we are, we learn to identify with others who are different and we learn things from them. Life is the endless process of defining what I means and our experiences provide a new word for the definition of what our lives will become.

On a lighter note I learned a few new things in the past few days. The two things that stick out the most are :
a) Gowdy's words of wisdom: "It doesn't matter how much a girl weighs, its all about the placement of that weight"
b) Amber can rap! HAHAHA - She'll be crafted into the next big thing, the Feminem!

Song Of The Day: "A Day to God is 1,000 Years (Stay With Me)" by RZA
"Yo, the pen is mightier than the sword, as I face my worldly challenge
In the scale of justice and my heart remains balanced and neutral
My respect for all men is mutual
As my thoughts surpass a level to which you devils compute to
You've been given the chance to hear the true and living
So do the knowledge, son, before you do the wisdom
So you can understand, how the thunder and
Lighting above your head is caused by the Son of Man
We experimentin' with high explosions
That cause the place to quake and the surface erosions
The earth produce lava like the mouth produce saliva
This wisdom goes deeper than your scuba diver
In search for the pearl jewels sold to Tiffany
My verbal heart symphony will strike the epiphany
Insight, ignite, and then men might, see love and hell
Hell and right, then excel, to be masters of your circumference
First, by obtainin' mastery of your common sense
This supreme wisdom clears a man's vision
You can see it through the lies and the fantism
Of the equivocal, two-faced political individual
Who's only out for residual, fabricatin' lies
To eradicate the wise
But we come to civilize and gravitate to the skies
Of the heavenly celestial sphere
Trust me, son, it's dear, in between your ears"

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All I Wanted to Be

I find myself in a funk of lates, I really want to talk about what happened on Halloween tho and I will get around to writing about it in here. It'll probably happen on Friday tho, most likley after my damn calculus test so make sure to check it out at night to see what happened a week ago haha... Well there are a few things on my mind that I've been thinking about lately. I feel like I've been quiet around everyone lately and I hope no one takes it the wrong way. Its not that I don't have things to say I just find myself at a lose of words, just kind of day dreaming and thinking about different things.

One of the things thats been eating away at me a lot lately is college itself. If you didn't know, I pretty much have a full ride here - I pay a few things here and there but for the most part its nothing compared to what everyone pays. Then I hear about people struggling to pay for college and struggling to find scholarships because they aren't a minority and it makes me feel awkward. It makes me feel like I don't belong here in some ways, I can't really explain it... Its just that I'm not paying a damn thing while the next man is paying so much/taking out loans and they seem to be "earning" their education more than I am. I know I spent my summer here going to school but anyone would have done the same to recieve a full ride. I don't see how I am more deserving than some people to recieve "X" amount of money and the other person not recieving anything. Sometimes I just question whether I deserve this and I second guess myself... It just makes me feel inferior in some ways I guess... Not that money is the most important thing in the world because it isn't but it affects our status in this world - its not everyday that a rich kid hangs out with a poor kid from the ghetto and theres a reason for that. But its nice when people look past soceity's rigid classes.. With everything happening the way it has I just hope I can make myself feel like I've earned what I've been giving and maybe do great things...Well thats it for now

Song of the Day: "Keep Ya Head Up" by 2Pac
"Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots
I give a holler to my sisters on welfare
Tupac cares, if don't nobody else care
And uhh, I know they like to beat ya down a lot
When you come around the block brothas clown a lot
But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him
And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up"

In Search Of...

Halloween was something to remember this year. I've never been big on Halloween, dressing up, or anything like that but this year everyone decided to dress up with a Giligan's island theme and I gotta admit, it was pretty damn funny. But I don't really want to get into what happened to much, Anthony usually does more justice to our weekends than I could ever do but I'll just give a quick run down. Classes, Goodwill, Dressing up, Dusk Till Dawn "Party," Mike's place, Amber's dorm, our dorm, and a good night to all at 4 AM. But some things came up in last night, mainly being in search of the "one." This is all what I've observed through my own experiences and I'm not talking about anyone specifically other than myself

Whenever I find myself searching for someone I come up empty. Why is that? Well I think that when we search for someone else we have a preconceived person that we want to find. Something along the lines of having a check list of features we look for in our perfect soul mate. The only bad thing is theres no one that completely fulfills our expectations is there? I mean no one is perfect right? When we look for someone we kind of overlook whats in front of us already. I'm not saying the people we know will be the one but most people look for people they've never met before... It always seems like someone catches our attention out of no where doesn't it? Then why look for someone if things just happen to come to you instead... With meeting new people comes the chance that you might mean someone you really vibe with and you go that route, or it could mean meeting so many new people who make you realize how much someone in the past really meant to you. Theres always the chance that you'll get caught up with someone else or that you'll want to go back with someone in your past. But I can't search for anything, if it'll come it'll come. If it was meant to happen then it will happen, I can't shut out any options and I can't rely too heavily on some options either. I do what I can do when I can do it

Song of the Day: "Talk To You" by Talib Kweli
"I want you, cuz you make my heart skip the beat that I drum to
I want to be the one you run to, when pain confronts you
You're everything, sometimes I get nervous when I'm in front you
You can hear it in my voice when I ask you if you comfortable
Look how love do, I'd practice the Art of War for you like Sun Tzu
Come through and arouse you every morning like the sun do
If you blackout and collapse I want to help you to come to
Notice I haven't yet got into what I want from you
I want you to come to when I come through and make you shine like the sun do
I want you to be the valley for my river to run through
You're everything, you send your soul through your lips to my heart
Sweet music will start I want you to be the muse of my art
When people try to rip us apart we got to work to stay together
Go through the seasons of love and never change with the weather
This is my wish list, what I want not what I need there's a difference
These days I'm learning that words got power so I'ma be specific"

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